Being Okay With Failure

Someone Had to Say It

Photo by the blowup on Unsplash

When I first started language learning, I very clearly sucked. I was also eight years old. And I could barely speak my first language in the way that everyone else did (I read a lot. So the words I used I didn’t know how to pronounce and the other kids made fun of me).

But that didn’t stop me from learning bits of Spanish.

In the sixth grade, I was able to listen to someone who spoke Spanish, usually from Mexico—all my Latino friends were Mexican—and just get it. It was like eighty percent. Which is more than the gist, but less than the whole picture.

I still was terrible at speaking in Spanish. Even though high school.

However, school beat something terrible into me. And it’s taken a while to prune it out of my system.

I needed to be perfect at the language. And if I couldn’t start perfectly, then I would always screw up. And never succeed.

If I wasn’t perfect, then I was a failure (though I had excellent grades).

It wasn’t until I was in college that I stumbled across a completely different style of language learning. One never taught in school.

It was the founder of fi3m.com (also known as fluentin3months.com) Benny Lewis. The fact that he went on these crazy challenges to learn languages and keep up with them fascinated me.

But, the thing that stayed with me was how he learned languages. I don’t have the exact wording, but it was to the effect of you need to fail. Fail often. Fail a lot.

Then learn from it.

You see, he put himself in situations that most people would find absolutely terrifying. Especially if they were in the same educational background.

The day he took on a language challenge, he would force himself to learn the essential vocabulary, and then he would go on a video call and use that vocabulary.

I’ve watched one of the language challenges he broadcasted (it might have been Japanese, but don’t quote me on that). He stumbled. He fumbled. He didn’t use the right words correctly.

But he used the language.

He didn’t care about screwing up.

Because no matter what you do, you will screw up. That’s the reality that we need to deal with.

Reasons to Become Friends

#1 You will probably never be good at something the first time you try it.

I’ve been trying to rack my brain to see if I’ve ever had a first-time experience where I was good, but I can’t. At most I was okay/mediocre. At worst I was terrible and/or an absolute mess.

When I started walking I was bad at it. Fell many times. Speaking was similar. People outside of my family could understand only every two words I said. In reading, I struggled so much that my grandpa gave up on me.

My spelling tests usually didn’t have 100% on them. My poetry was not poetry (give me a break I was in the second grade).

Those examples are just from my early life. There are so many more times later on in which I tried something and failed. I just don’t have the time or space to list them all here.

Why did it happen? Because failure is inevitable.

However, I did get much better at all of those things as I practiced. And failed more. But the more I failed the more I learned. The better I got. Now, people ask me, the once failure in those areas, for help. And I get to help them. Because I know better now. I’ve done them a million times at this point.

And that leads me to my second point.

#2 You can’t improve without failing a lot.

If you want to do something well, you have to do it a lot. Which means that you get to fail a lot.

The first time I went to my Japanese class I could not pronounce the liquid r (I later figured out that this sound is hard for people who don’t speak Japanese natively or any other Asian language).

The second time I went, I couldn’t do it. The third time, I got super frustrated and almost quit. But I kept going.

In my first speaking test, I mispronounced it. Again. I think I still have it written in the notes that I needed to practice.

Did I feel like a failure? Absolutely. I couldn’t do it. But I didn’t give up.

In my linguistics classes, I learned that our mouths remember things. How to produce sounds in certain parts. Where to do it. When. Because we built the muscle memory when we were children. Our bodies just know it now.

When we do things for the first time, like trying to pronounce sounds that my mouth has never done before, we don’t have the muscle memory down. No habits. No real idea how to do it. This makes it so we need to take the time to get our bodies to learn the thing we’re trying to do. Then it becomes muscle memory. And that’s when we improve.

I learned that my body is resistant to change. So I failed quite a lot before I could make that sound. Now, I can do it in my sleep (so I’ve been told by my family when I slept talked once).

#3 You can help others succeed by learning from your failures.

It wasn’t easy for me to overcome my issues with failure. I had to become aware that I had an ingrained problem with it. Once I recognized that, despite it taking me years, I was able to change my mindset.

I can welcome failure because I know that I’ll get to success that way.

But when I find others who have problems with failure, my heart breaks. I want to help them succeed.

I had a religious roommate tell me that she believed she wasn’t destined to learn Korean. She thought that she wasn’t ever supposed to learn it in the first place.

I then told her the truth. Language learning is tough. And I was not good when I learned any of my languages. I told her of my many failures in other languages. And some in Korean. But I didn’t leave it like that. That would have been a cycle of misery that would bring us both into misery.

I told her what I learned from my mistakes.

You see, when other people start learning new things, what they see is the results. They don’t see what it took to get there.

To use an example that doesn’t involve language learning, take people who idolize famous singers. I’ll call them fans. The fans love the way their idols sing, so they try to emulate them.

But, there is a big gap between the new singer and the seasoned one. Sadly, the new singer can’t see it.

You’ve heard the excuses. “Well, they're a natural at singing” “They were born with it.” “They just have talent that I don’t.”

Here’s the thing, they should. Because they have done it more than they have. They learned through failures and eventual successes what their throat and voice need to do to produce certain notes. When to use their singing techniques. How to connect with an audience.

The fan does not realize that and wants to quit.

That’s where the seasoned singer comes in. They tell the story of how they came to be the singer they are today. The fan listens. Hears the mishaps. The failures. The mistakes. And the gap between them and the seasoned singer slowly becomes smaller.

And then they get it. If they continue to work, practice, and fail, they will ultimately get to the success they want.

The gap is gone. And so is their issues with failing.

The fan realized that it’s normal. Now, they can really learn what they need to do.

Just like my friend did with Korean.

When she heard how much I screwed up, she didn’t quit. And she got significantly better and more confident in Korean.

Conclusion

Life makes us learn things. First, we fail. Second, we improve, learning from our failures. And we fail some more. Third, we reach a level of success. Then we fail more, though less. Fourth, we become confident in the thing we learned.

When we realize that failure leads to success and that it’s completely normal to fail at things (and not be perfect) that’s when we begin our journey to success. And we really learn.

I only learned I got better at writing after years of failing and being told I wasn’t good enough. Because I kept at it. I really wanted to learn how to write.

So I did it.

And if I can do it, and my friend could do it, so can anyone else.

I’m not scared of failing anymore. Because I know it doesn’t make me a failure.

If you want to see my short story, click here.
If you want to watch one of my Youtube videos, click here.